I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize