I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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