My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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