i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
