Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
foreskin is a definite game changer
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
