yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
