My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
