barbara walters just said penis...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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