the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
All the doctor said was why
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
