really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
