He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
