I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
