i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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