on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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