I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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