btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
