There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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