So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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