please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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