So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
