i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize