All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
