you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
