Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
