stop calling my apartment porn island.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize