Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
