someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
