I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
