I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
