just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
