I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
