yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
