I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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