drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
