So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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