Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
