Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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