turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
