The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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