Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
