i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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