best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
