Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
