sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
