i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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