I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
