take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
