I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
