Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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