If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If I die, sorry about rent.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize