I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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