"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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