Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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