somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
