3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
