Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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