my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
