have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
