I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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