I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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