We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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