Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
