you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I FOUND THE LEGS
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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