I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
