I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
