Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
