i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
