Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
