She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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