Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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