whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
